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I would like to take a moment to write about a band that's very special to me and has had a huge difference in my life. The star inked to my chest is somewhat about this band. It's about the people I've met through this band, it's about the time period that started in 2005, but most of all it represents the time when I became me. 2005 - 2006 Oranssi   Betania       DBTL  Tuo lippis oli tuon kesän tavaramerkki kyllä...   Gloria   Mikkeli     Myötätuulirock        Hamina       Imatra   Lasipalatsi    Beatboxaamista...  ...ja Britneyn laulamista. Turku    Ylöjärvi  Fanclubin haastattelu  Vappu    Uusi aika alkaa  Anttila-tour    2007 - 2008 Linnanmäki    Kaarina   Länsi-Auto Areena  2009  Hyvinkää  Porvoo    XOXO Joanna
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I just remembered this account and once again, I am so very sorry for not updating this blog for such a long time. Oh what the hell, no I'm not. I don't think anyone reads this blog anyway haha? However, I'm too tired to actually update this blog now, so I'm just gonna ask you to add my actual account, the one I do use, a lot! Yes it's in finnish BUT starting next week, I'll be putting together a picturejounal there too, which will be interesting. One picture's worth a thousand words, ayé? So, add add add! XOXO Joanna |
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Whoa, I haven't written in this diary for such a long time. So for those who actually read this one (no-one) I apologize. In the other hand, I haven't been updating my finnish journal neither so... I'm going to just try to sum up what's been going on in my life for now. But before that I just have to make a random comment about the fact that Mew fits my mood so well right now. Anyway, I started this semester in high school with art as my major. So far I'm loving the school, I've found my group of friends and I'm enjoying my time there. However I've never been that good in school so for now I've kind of shut away from everything in my life, I'm putting all my focus on my school work. It's working out well but then again I haven't even had my first test week yet... It's coming up in four weeks so we'll see. I haven't been able to see my friends quite so often as I'd want to but life is all about choices a guess.... Not that I would want to pick school over my friends, but I kind of have to just a little bit. On friday I went to the centre with my friends to see these huge fireworks that were fired at night. It was a nice evening, I was a little drunk but I haven't been in such a long time so it felt good. I usually don't drink because it doesn't feel right for me, but this time I really, truly had a nice t. I got to meet new people and some of my friends that hadn't been talking to each other in a long time finally made piece. I didn't for once think any of my stressful school things plus let me say... It's really a good feeling to be close to a lot of friends and just watch these huge, beautiful, loud fireworks in the sky. It's really weird to keep track on time. Days just go by turning into days and I'm trying really hard to keep up. Time is the only thing we can't buy really. Soon I'll be a 30-year old single mother with too much work to do and too little on her hands. Maybe not, but still seems like everything's moving on really fast. With this time-rant said, the weirdest thing happened yesterday. Apparently my childhoodfriend (someone who I kind of drifted apart from to the point when he hardly says hello anymore if we bump to each other (which happens very often specially when he was in the same school with me a year ago)) called my mom! His mom and my mom were really good friends at the time when we hang out. Anyway he called my mom!! From his mom's phone. He just asked like how were doing and stuff and that it would be so cool to meet up. He's going to drop by with his mom on thursday. When on earth did my generation get so mature?!? How come I totally missed that? However, weird things have been happening and I'm trying to get a tight grip of everything. I'm dreaming of a time without huge failures and without being so afraid all the time. I think I'm slowly drifting towards that time. Obviously I'm furiously waiting for that someone special to appear in my. Then again, my horoscope said I should be expecting roses and a new boyfriend this week. ;) That's it for now, hopefully I'll be updating this journal more often! xoxo Joanna
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To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade. To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train. To realize the value of ONE-SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident. Remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present. |
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When I saw you the first time, you just appeared out of nothing. Suddenly you just sat there and smiled. I liked you, but you were a year younger than me so i forgot you. You disappeared for a long time. Or so I thought. Really, you never disappeared. You were still always somewhere, smiling to people passing by, I just didn't see you. But something changed. Something about you changed. Some attitude grew in you. Some self-confidence grew in you. Suddenly, you were mentaly bigger than me. And I saw you again. You're always somewhere. You still smile to people passing by. When you say something, I can't believe what I hear. You always say what I'm about to say. There's something different about you. Why aren't you mine? Be mine.
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I'm losing a friend of mine. She's drifting more far away from me every day and I don't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong with her. She only snaps to me and hurts and insults me almost everytime that i talk to her. And she is..or was one of my best friends. I know that she can be a nice person but she has changed so much and...I don't know can she anymore. She does and says things, I'd never thought I'd hear from her. What happened to the sweet girl I knew? I want her back. 
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I've wanted to create an english journal for a long time and now I finally did. Here are the entrys I've written in english before creating this journal. Wednesday, December 13, 2006 is that the most the both of you you can give http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/1639/un Dad left me a huge debt. Hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions of dollars. And he didn't keep in toutch with me. I have to pay? I don't even have the money to go ty my own dad's funeral. Gratefuly, my grandfather (from moms side) hired us a lawyer. Someone in greece said that I have to be there in 10 days to refuse the offer. Where the hell should we get the money for that? If I have to pay that debt, I can't have future. I can't have anything stable in my life. My mom found an old SMS she hasn't notice. "I'll come to see you and Joanna in Oktober. Lots of hugs and kisses." Why dad? Why did the other two people survive but my dad didn't? And why independence-day? I feel so quilty for not keeping in toutch with my father. Or why couldn't I just be there or why did dad have to get in that car? Every time I have done something remarkable in my lige, I have thought "when I'll meet my dad again, he will be so proud of me." But he isn't. Because he won't. Never. Why dad? Dad was a kind man and never wanted anything bad to happen to anyone. He had his own problems with drugs and stuff, but he was a good person and everyone loved him. Why did dad have to go? My grandfather (on my dad's dad) got really messed up when he heard. He is deaf-dumb, but he tried to say "I have to get to my son." Zoi (sister of my dad) cried on the phone so much. "It looked like he was just sleeping." Milena (my dad's other sister) in the phone said "Everyone was waiting for Nikos (dad's brother) to go first." Mom didn't understand and Milena was like "You didn't know? Nikos has cancer. We don't know will he survive." Zoi said that I ment everything to dad. I was all that he talked about before this happened. My mom showed me a letter he had never shown me before. "What ever happens, take care of Joanna." I can't stand this. It's like he would've known what was going to happen. Even right now there's a letter in Greece for me that didn't make to the post. When I look at me and dad's picture at the frames next to me, I just keep remembering stuff. I feel that I just haven't want to remember dad in the past two years. Even though he has tried a little bit sometimes to be in toutch, I have always rejected him. Still, the last time I saw him was 7 years ago. I repent so much that I have been so selfish and thought that he wasn't a good dad. Okay, he didn't keep in toutch much, but I didn't do anything to change that. I didn't answer to his SMS or anything. A couple weeks ago he sended a SMS to me and I did not answer. I DID NOT ANSWER. How much do I hope now that I would've answered it. Why couldn't I just answer? Maybe dad could've got exited and think that "Hey, I want to go to Finland now!" and he wouldn't got in that car! I was just so selfish thinking that he was a bad father. He wasn't a bad father, he just never grew up! Died as a child. He did never say "Happy birthday!" or "Merry Christmas", but did I ever call him on father's day? NO, I DIDN'T. Mom said "call him" and I answered "I don't want to." I DON'T WANT TO. And now I would do anything if I could have just one phone-call with him. Or if I could just go back to the moment we snapped that pic. I remember when I went to that slide and the plastic burned and I cried and dad hugged me and said: "don't cry, let's try the swing." Or when I got the change to drive with his motorcycle and he said "Ohh, you did so great!" even when I had just colliled with a tree. If I could just call him and say "sorry for being a bad daughter", but i can't. It's not a chance anymore. I never gave us a chance. In my neck, there's a golden locket, shape of Rhodos (the iland). In the back of the locket there's engraved "TO JOANNA, FROM DAD." This is too much for me. It's the terror of knowing What this world is about Watching some good friends Screaming "Let me out!" Pray tomorrow takes me higher (higher) Value the things that you have and the people you have. You can never, never know when it's too late and then you will regret those bad things you have said, or the good things you haven't done. Next time you notice you are going to say something bad, think again. Think if that person would not be her in the next day and you couldn't fix it. In any way. You couldn't say anything. And the last word was in your hands, but you used it wrong. There's no reason to be mean or rude. I don't want to be hypocritical and only lecture you about this. I am also trying to be better at this myself too. Tell people how much you care about them and just THINK... ...if there would'nt be a tomorrow? Why? Why? Why? Love! Love! Love! Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking Can't we give ourselves one more chance? Why can't we give love that one more chance? Why can't we give love give love give love? Give love give love give love give love give love? Cause love's such an old fashioned word And love dares you to care For the people on the edge of the night And love dares you to change our ways Of caring about ourselves Tuesday, December 12, 2006 love is such an old-fashioned word I am in love. I have thoughts and principles about love, and those principles are quite clear to me. I don't believe love at first sight, because I believe you can't fall in love with the looks, only what's on the inside. I believe that love can be defined by so many ways by each individual and that there isn't just one kind of love. I think that in the end, no love in the world can be wrong, there's never too much love. Principles and thoughts walk in the same line with common sense, but they rarely meet feelings. If my principle is that no love in the world is wrong, I'm breaking my principles while feeling that my love for Him is wrong. I feel stupid, naive, confiding and frustrated because I'm in love with a person who is never going to love me back. My principle is also that never should think "never" because everything is possible - Titanic sank, right? Love should never, never be generalized. It's a thing that should never be made a whole nation entertainment or obvious thing. When you hear too much about love the value of it collapses if you're weak, it's becames a feeling same level with all the other emotions - it makes sense, it becomes a principle. I think love should never be an principle, but that's just a thought of mine. I could love Him, I'd want to love Him. But if I would, I know that I would be also waiting for something to happen, and I don't want to wait. Everyone's always waiting instead of living. It's okay to think "what I could have" as long as it feels good. When you start to feel bad about it, it becomes the iceberg that Titanic collided - the thought moves from the thought-level to the emotion-level and wins the principles. If I would be one of those who didn't believe that Titanic would sink, or one of those who think love as a principle, I wouldn't think this way. For me the looks, status or other reasonable things mean nothing. Only think that means something, is what I feel. That He is everything what he is and I love it. Maybe I'd deserve to love Him, but in my heart I think (I don't feel, I think) that He doesn't want it. Though I feel He is everything I want and need I love Him too much to overthrow my sense with my feelings. I want to keep Him in such a state, that I suffer more than He does. I want Him to always be happy and I want Him to always be as great person that He is right now. I want Him to have the most beautiful life that anyone has ever had, because he deserves it, He really does. I wish that He's going to love some girl that loves Him back as much as I love Him right now. Even if that isn't what I deserve, it's something that He deserves and even if He wouldn't deserve, I'd want Him to deserve. I can't handle this feeling, I don't know how to handle this. There isn't any other as frustrated feeling in the world, as the feeling when you give your heart and soul to someone and never get them back because the person you gave them to, doesn't even realise you have given them to him. It's a frightening thing to tell some one as a new issue "I Love You." I know nothing as frightening, specially when you really, truly mean it. I think that those who can say when ever to who ever "I Love You", don't really mean it. It really is a hard thing to say if you mean it. Okay, it's just a sentence between other sentences, you can say it like a hundred times a day if you really mean it. If you feel it, you can say it. (In the other hand, who am I to say when you can say "I Love You" and when not? I just don't like the way that the sentence is thrown in every every direction.) But can you tell someone else that you love Him, if you're not sure even yourself? If wondered that such a long time. I didn't think that I love Him the first time I saw Him, it doesn't work like that. Love is a feeling that grows with time. Love is a hard think to be wondered by a little girl like me. I think that love is the thing that makes you fall apart and makes you melancholy and love is the thing that saves lives makes you feel the happiest.
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happy
hungry